Blasé

Edit: 22 June 2014 1515h

So here's the post from March after I got my rather unachieving results. Please note that they were written under strenuous conditions and may sounds overly-emotional and stupid. Didn't actually want to post it out but I think I myself would love to read it again someday. I'm still that confused kid I was, even though I have grown in other ways the past few months and even though I am no longer a teenager, I still feel like a child. Enjoy my relatively irrelevant post! (:


(Post dated 5 March 2014, 2:06AM) 

I know (from my blog stats) that there are so many of you who want to know how I did for my exams and (from the number of refreshes each of you did) I also know that y'all are very anxious (or nosy hahaha) about it. Well here's the breakdown:

I can't say I'm pleased with my results but I can't say that I'm extremely disappointed. To be honest, I wasn't expecting anything (apart for two subjects) and was pinning hope on one of it to help me through. But I guess it wasn't bad enough to break me. Many more things break me more easily than this result did. I have grown and matured (in a different way) this year to see things from a different point of view and my priorities have shifted. I'm not sure whether it is a good thing or not but I'm sure it has helped me in some ways or another. All I can say is, I did better than before. I'm not elated, but neither am I depressed.

Life goes on, they say. But what they don't understand is the context. The context that is Singapore. In Singapore, your life only goes on if you meet the societal norm of having a university degree from a local university, if you are capable of forming a family and support them, if you get a job that pays well enough for you and your family to live comfortably. Life does not simply "go on" for those who do not obtain a known university, if you can't form a family, if you can't feed your family well. In fact, life sucks because you get looked down upon by almost everyone, you get judged and cast aside by everyone else. Everyone else moves on without you. Everyone else will shun you just because you are not "the same level as them". Life absolutely does not fucking go on. Of course, there are more important things like being filial and kind etc, but these are bonuses. Bonuses to your bachelor degree you are going to get because you are so fucking great and normal. You know what happens to these people who are kind and filial yet never managed to get a degree? They get thrown from place to place, trying to please everyone and eventually getting all the blame for the shit that happens everywhere, because they "are not smart enough". They drown in all the muddy waters of Singapore and get looked down upon by those people who can memorize a shitload of texts in a book when in actual fact, these very people who are drowning are able to do so much more than just read a bunch of alphabets arranged in no chronological order. How does life go on for these people when, they are not even being treated as a life? When they are not given the proper respect of a life, of a human being. Judgmental people stems from those who compare themselves with others; because they compare themselves with others, they fight their entire life to get to the top, stepping all over everyone. That is where they nurture the habit and skill to judge others. All their life, they only know how to crawl onto someone else's back and leech off them, eventually leaving them soulless and they themselves climbing to the top. Life goes on for these people because their entire lives, they live it doing the same thing over and over again: climbing, leeching, leaving. Their lives goes on because that is all they do. This is the stereotypical Singaporean. You may argue that not everyone is life that but you know and I know that we both know - most of us are judgmental and we have in someway or another led the life-cycle of a judgmental person. Whether or not some of us comes out of the cycle and remain true to ourselves, is another topic altogether. So yes, life goes the motherfucking on for those who are heartless enough whereas for those who can't fit the societal norm of getting a university degree, they may tell you that a whole new life starts for them. It's a different life altogether; for some it may be mundane whereas for some it may turn out to be meaningful. This is Singapore. The meaning of life is undefined.

I want my life to go on, but I want to remain true to myself. Is that too much to ask for? 


(Edit dated 6 March 2014, 7:09PM) 

I want to clarify that I am not depressed or emotionally unstable about my results hahaha. I am just taking a break from social media to think about that I really want to do next, and where I want to go ultimately. I want to make a decision not affected by anyone else who hasn't known me for the past 20 years. I want to say that I am immensely touched by how supportive my family has been towards me, encouraging me in ways I cannot see but feel. I admit that I have been taking them for granted sometimes but above it all, family is the most important aspect of my life to me. I never want to consciously/intentionally do something which may hurt or upset them for a prolonged period of time. 

I never shed a tear for the results I got; yet I have shed countless tears from feeling their support and just knowing that they are here for me. I am grateful to them for everything that they have done for me, including shaping me into who I am today. I may not be perfect, not even near beautiful in an imperfect way, but I know that they've done a great job thus far and the rest is up to me. I may need them to be here time and again, but I have to walk the rest of the way myself. I know they'll always be behind me when I turn around. I just know.