Work has been really tiring these few days because I am getting more annoyed at someone. Also because many of my colleagues are either going to poly or NS so they have quit their job and I have extra workload now. The slightly annoying supervisor is still as nice as ever to me but I still think he is a dumb ass and he's really annoying. I really don't like his personality/principles but he is very nice to me... Can't hate a person who likes me. I got fired by the new tutee and found another one. I was so glad I got fired because I was finding ways to get rid of him. He was SOOOO hard to teach.
On the other hand, I feel like I'm not really leading the life I want now. I'm having fun and all, making new friends and plans all the time, but I can't help but feel this is not what I really want. Maybe we got close too fast. Though we can't help it because we see each other almost every day. I want to enjoy the process of getting to know someone slowly and like them increasingly each time I see them. Maybe I'm not suited for this fast pace life.
These days, I get happy too quick, I get sad too fast, I get angry too easy. I need to learn to control my feelings more. But I also don't want to be too conscious over my emotions. I don't think I know what I want.
I don't know what I want out of life. Not yet. I don't know what I want to do in future. I don't know who I want to be in future. I can't see myself growing up and being anyone, anything. I always envisioned that I would get into a car accident in my early 20s. I don't think that's what I really want but then again I don't really know what I want.
So recently I've been chasing this drama, only because I've watched the Taiwan version already and I love the story plot. Now I'm watching the Korean one because I like the actor. Sometimes I cannot believe myself. Hahaha.
Didn't go to work today so I didn't see the 28-year-old dude today. I'm glad I didn't.
Remember when I said 2013 was a year when I learnt a lot? 2014 is no different, although in a different way. In 2013, I learnt about who I am and about the world. This year, I learnt more about people around me and that there are so many different things that you can learn from everyone, even though not directly. I've learnt what I don't want from observing people. I've learnt that there are so many different kinds of people out there who are able to survive and live happily with what I deem as inadequate. I know I've been lucky being born into this world like that and that there are other people out there who are less fortunate, but I guess I never ever learnt to be appreciative for what I have. I never seized each opportunity as much as I should have. One more thing I want to learn? How to be satisfied, appreciative and grateful for what I already have, and not take things for granted.
I wish my mum acted more like a mother. She doesn't prepare food for us at all. Not in the last 10 years as I remember. Actually, I think she never did unless my helper returns home for 2 weeks every few years. And most of the time, she just buys takeouts for us. She never bothers to ask whether I will be home for lunch or dinner, whether I'm happy, whether I'm doing okay. All she does is watch Korean dramas and stalk people on facebook. The most dutiful thing she has done is to buy groceries home. She doesn't even come up with the grocery list herself. Maybe this is the life she wants to lead? But I find it meaningless, and not using your brain can make it deteriorate at a very fast rate. I just want to feel like I have a mother. I really want to experience unconditional love from my parents. I want to feel loved by them. I asked my dad once, and he said his love for me is conditional. I probed further and he didn't respond. I guess everyone is selfish in this world. Even towards life you created yourself.
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