Nights are really the worse time to be awake. So many thoughts run through my mind at night and they are not good thoughts. Unhealthy thoughts and things that make me unhappy. All that I can think of is how I have ruined my life from the very beginning, from when I was young. I know I'm still young and I can still change my life for the better but somehow growing up has made me more afraid of the world than I was as a kid. I'm afraid of growing up and the consequences I have to face for every single decision I make, I'm afraid of growing up and having to make decisions that will affect the rest of my life, I'm afraid of growing up and learning about how the world really works. I liked the way it was as a kid, when I didn't understand anything and all that mattered was whether I completed my homework for the day. Now it seems like there is so much more to life than just completing your assignment for the day.
I constantly think about how inadequate I am and it kills me inside to know that I can never get, or even deserve to get, what I want. And the way I chose to, whether subconsciously or not, to deal with it is to satisfy the void in my heart with material goods, which by the way I can not afford. No matter how much I want to be that perfect little girl to my parents, I know I can never be. I can never be the girl I want to be because I'm just not cut out for it. I can never get what I want in life, regardless whether it is concerning careers or relationships, because I'm just not good enough. I'm never going to be good enough for the things that I want. Well, maybe I just have to set my sights lower. But that's not what I want. I have to find a way to be a better person, a person who deserves what I want. If only it was as easy as it sounds...
Sometimes I really am worried. I know my parents have troubles and I know they're not showing it. I asked them but they never tell. I know they're trying to hide it from me because I am still a little girl to them. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just not mature enough to understand their problems. But I really want to help. I know I can't but I just can't help feeling helpless and it kills me to know that I'm one of their problems. I think if I didn't exist, they wouldn't have so much problems in the first place. They wouldn't have had to spend so much money to raise me and those extra cash could have been spent on my siblings to make their lives better, or even to make them lead more comfortable or luxurious lives now. I feel like maybe I shouldn't have came into this world and I'm a burden to them because I'm creating so much trouble for them and it's not helping that I am such a useless bum. I am such a lazy asshole that even I get irritated at myself. I know I'm not supposed to think this way and I'm supposed to be grateful for the life they have given me, don't get me wrong, I am grateful. It's just that I sometimes think they could have been so much better off without me. Maybe that's why I'm trying to do so much to make my siblings' life better and allow them to bully me and take advantage of me - because I feel like I owe it to them.
Well okay this was not supposed to be a post feeling sorry about myself but I think it kind of turned out sounding like that. I just really needed to write it down somewhere and maybe read it again sometime later ( and probably laugh at myself). I just want to remind myself that you don't always get what you want and it's not because the world is unfair, maybe it's because you didn't deserve it in the first place. So if you don't do something about it to change the way you are, you are never going to deserve what you want and you are never going to get it. It may or may not work in the end, but at least you know you tried. But if you never try to change yourself, you will definitely not get what you want. And you do not deserve anything.
PS: I just read one of my old posts where I described a few people and I tried to be as vague as possible so no one could tell who it was and I guess I was such a pro that I myself can't tell who it was now. Great hahahahaha
Side note: I still can't believe my blog gets at least one view every day and I am not the one who viewed it. And I cannot for the life of me figure out who it is. But hey hi! Glad you're interested in my uninteresting life. Thank you.
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