3 Things I Pretend To Be

I realize how disputable my previous post might seem. I'm sorry to anyone I offended because I wrote that when I was really angry. At some people who just refuse to cooperate and they act like everything is alright. Most of it is what I feel inside though but please don't take anything personally. For that, I'll talk about my shortfalls in this post okay?

3 Things I Pretend To Be

1) I am not nice. 

Deep down, I am not a nice person. This is probably the one thing I have tried time and time again to cover up, by changing who I am, changing what I do. Let's not confuse this with being moral or ethical. Of course, I wouldn't do anything that would hurt or kill anyone, just like any normal human being. The fact is, I feel really uncomfortable when people tell me that I'm nice or big-hearted because I know that deep down, I am not. I strive to change that every minute and I do that by agreeing to help anyone who asks me for help. I do that by volunteering my help in charity events or when I see people facing a problem. I do that by providing comfort to people when they need it in exchange for my own comfort. I changed myself and what I do to fit into my own perspective of what a nice and self-less person will do. But you know, changing doesn't mean it is who I am. It takes conscious effort to be nice and then it slowly becomes a habit, but to me, I still think I am not a naturally nice person. I am trying but it's just not the way I was born to be.


2) I am not self-less. 

I guess this ties in with the first point very closely but I am definitely not a selfless person. I do things with motives. I'm sorry, but I do. I've thought about this for a very long time and I realize that whatever I do, it stems from the inner desire to be accepted and liked. There are times I volunteer to help people do shit because I want them to like me as a person. There are times I willingly sacrifice what I have so that others can think of me as a selfless person and take pity on me. There are times when I give in to people because I want to relieve myself of guilt. Everything I've ever done, there are reasons. This probably runs through for most people but I feel uneasy knowing that I didn't do most things whole-heartedly and especially when people thank me profusely afterwards, I cannot stand that awkwardness of claiming credit for something I did out of reasons. The worse feeling is when I eventually get what I want and then I feel really bad about my initial intentions.


3) I am not smart. 

Okay this one probably a lot of people know, don't rub it in okay. But yes I do try to pretend to be smart and tend to talk too much in front of people sometimes, and then I regret all actions. Probably because throughout my whole childhood, my parents have been telling me how I am their smartest child when all I see is my over-achiever of a sister who happens to be my idol. So I got rather confused and over-estimated my capabilities. I don't have much to say about this because... I don't want to talk too much. Okay bye.


Thanks for the views from France, UK, US, Ireland, Hong Kong, Germany and Czech but I don't exactly know who you guys are except a select few haha. Have fun wherever you are, I really do envy you but it makes me happy to see that my friends get to lead such independent lives overseas and here I am just stuck in Singapore feeling sorry for myself because I can't figure out my future.