Heads up, this is going to be a rather personal post. I realized I never did finish up my previous post meant for the people I care about but I will finish it one day.
Lately I feel different. Probably because I have more responsibilities and I am older now and I know the choices I make will affect me in one way or another, no matter how small. It's a different kind of growing up from last year. Last year, I remember seeing the world from a very different point of view and I have to thank the retaking of A levels for that. I am really glad I decided to retake them. Sometime during June or July last year, I realized I wasn't studying hard enough to do well for the second A levels so I reconsidered whether I should give up instead and just go to uni. I did however find that I was learning so much more from not being in school and I am really glad I took that gap year. I know this would ultimately affect my uni experience in some ways but I'm glad I did. This year, I think I'm growing up in a different way. It's more of a personal growth and being responsible for more than just myself. It's a little hard.
I honestly felt like giving up at one point. That was a few weeks back. I had a terrible day and I wanted to cry. I stopped myself and I thought long and hard about my recent decisions (despite having a final submission the next day and I barely started) and I realised I have to be responsible for myself and my decisions. I sucked it up and continued life. It was a really bad day and I needed to somebody so badly but it's times like these when I feel the most down and have the lowest self-esteem. I didn't dare to contact anyone, not even my parents or siblings, so I sat alone. Couldn't get a lot of me time though so I pretended to be alright and went back to school at 2am. I guess pretending helped.
I've been really tired for the past few weeks and I can't say I don't like it, because I do. I like torturing myself to the point where it hurts because then I can't feel anything. When it hurts physically, I can't feel my emotions. I know it sounds sick.
I've also been really tired from social interactions lately and I just want to say fuck you to everyone around me and ask them to go away. But I can't. Sometimes I just walk away and I hope nobody realizes. Sometimes I just want somebody to ask me if I'm alright and know that I'm not even though I said I am. But I'm not a words person so I would probably feel irritated if anyone texted me about it or just keep asking me the same question. Oh well this kind of reminds me of somebody but let's not go there.
I've been really close to a friend from school these few weeks because we realized we have so much in common but I am starting to feel a bit annoyed. I guess it's just me. I'm afraid of being close to anyone anymore and I started to push this friend away today but I think I turned out to seem really pissed off. I guess I was, but mostly at myself.
There's so many things I want to say but I don't feel like typing them out. I need to talk to someone but I don't know who I can talk to. I just, don't want to be a burden.
I feel safer not seeing you around. But sometimes I do wonder what would happen if we had courage.
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