Why Is It Friday?

My parents are currently really annoyed at me. My mere presence. Maybe I shouldn't have came back home. Maybe I should have just stayed on at my sister's place. I would have if I didn't feel like I'm imposing on her. Apparently my one week disappearance from their lives has no impact on them at all. I feel like the meaning of my life is slowly being sapped away by them, by their indifference towards me and how they're pretending I'm not in their lives. I feel like they are regretting ever having me and not having aborted me 20 years ago. Sometimes I wonder why they didn't abort me. I think they had me only because they wanted to have 3 kids, because of my mum's theory. A rather too-practical theory that has haunted me ever since she revealed it to me. It haunts me because I don't think that actually want me. I won't talk much about the theory now, maybe in another blog post. If i type it out now I might just die.

I was just thinking about how they don't care about me anymore because I was having a nosebleed (againnnn) and I used to not have nosebleeds until recently. Well, my dad was rather calm and he just told me to lie down and that was pretty normal i guess. But my mum just said "去自己房间趟啦" in a rather irritated voice and like I was disrupting her in some way. I was in the common area and she was watching her stupid drama, as usual. Well I just lied there anyway because I couldn't see where I was going while trying to stop the nosebleed, and she was very irritated. I told her I couldn't see the way to walk already, and she was still annoyed. Well, I just started crying (only a little bit) but I didn't want to seem like a pathetic little fucker so I covered it up by laughing. Better to be seen as a crazy bitch than a pathetic loser, I guess.

I was just thinking while bathing(brilliant thoughts are made in bathrooms: shit comes out your ass but genius comes out your head) that at my funeral, I don't actually want the people I love to be crying at my deathbed. I want those people who I have met and I've tried to be friends to them but they just want to remain as those small-talk kind of friends who never come close, to be there. I want those people who decided to be not as active in my life to be there at my funeral. I want those people who never really noticed me but wished they did, to be there. I want them to feel the pain I felt for being rejected by them. I am a really mean person, I know. I just want to see who actually cared enough to turn up at my funeral and regret not having been my friend. I just want to comfort myself that there are actually people who wished they got to know me better but never did, alright. Don't judge me. This is just me, when I am emotionally and physically wrecked.

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Today while I was walking to my tuition place, I saw this man who was walking around and he kind of looked like a hobo but not really. And I saw him picking up this trash bin that had been knocked down by some kids playing soccer nearby. I feel like he didn't have to do it but he did. Not sure if it's the right word to use, but he inspired me a little. I wished I could be as selfless as him and do good deeds that goes unknown, but makes such a big difference. Imagine the trash bins around Singapore all being knocked down and no one picks them up, until the rubbish collectors come. It's a small and insignificant example but there are so many small things that happen around us that goes unnoticed. Maybe if we all open our eyes a little bit, we can see that the world is a really nice place with nice people around, amidst all the filthy air and filthy atmosphere we have made the Earth to be. I think I'm crapping a little too much here.

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Here comes the point of this blog post. 

WTF MY BIRTHDAY IS ON FRIDAY. I HAVE TUITIONS ON FRIDAYS. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS. I AM NOT OKAY WITH BEING STUCK WITH LITTLE KIDS WHILE I TURN INTO AN ADULT. 

Well, okay. I am okay with it. I have to be, I guess. I used to get really excited on my birthdays until I realize nobody actually celebrates it for me. At least never the way I wanted. I don’t like sharing my day with people. It’s not my day anymore. I’m just gonna work for 12 hours that day. I’m gonna work from 10-3 at my part-time job, then have tuition from 5-9.30pm. I’m gonna earn $150 on my birthday and it will be the best birthday present I give to myself.

Who am I kidding.

I think I might just work 10-3 and then give myself an off day from tuition. I'm just going to tell the tutees' parents that I have something on. I already told them I want to change tuition days from Fridays to another day (because I earn more on Fridays at my part-time job) but they said they don't have another better timing. Argh. Nevermind, My tuition pay is not bad anyway. I don't really want to work on my birthday but I have nothing planned and nobody is planning anything for me. My sister is busy studying for the most important exam of her life (for now) and my brother... has a girlfriend. My parents will probably ditch me and my Valentine's date is 7000 miles away from me in Scotland. And everyone else is busy because of reasons. 


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This is currently my favourite song to play. 
 

Can anybody hear me
Or am I talking to myself
My mind is runnng empty
In the search for someone else
Who doesn't look right through me 

Tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot

And the starting scene:
"Being human is the most terrible loneliness in the universe." 
- AA Attanasio

The video isn't all that good but the ending was surprisingly nice, the very last scene. Nice touch to the song and a strong relation to reality, I feel.