Lost

I remember thinking about this one day and I realized that the reason why I'm shy or basically just really socially awkward is because I care too much about what people think and I'm afraid of getting judged. Like if I didn't care what anybody thought about me, I could really be myself. I could let myself go. It's like... If I know I'm not going to see this person ever again in my life and he/she was just someone I just met, I can totally pull off being myself and be super outgoing and friendly. Yet if I know that there is just this slight possibility that I will see this person again, I retract into my little turtle shell and just stare at the world from the inside. Because if I don't see this person ever again it doesn't matter what they think of me but if I am ever going to see them again, it sort of matters what they think of me because it affects me in future. I know, this sounds really stupid and I've tried to overcome it, to no avail. I remember really enjoying my job as a sales person at the end of 2010 because I could hard-sell promote the items and really talk to the customers because I know they won't ever come into my life, ever. The more I want the person to stay in my life for a longer period of time, the more shy/socially-awkward I will be around them. I don't want to be judged by them and give them the wrong impression of me and the more I care about it, the more I will retract into the shell. It doesn't make sense because they'll just judge me and have the impression that I'm really shy/awkward and that's not exactly what I'm aiming for. Sigh. So please don't run away from me if I'm really awkward around you.

Yet there are some people who I can just be myself around because they just make me feel so safe and assure me that they won't judge me for who I am. Those people are golden. I really like them. It's like I never ever have to retract into my shell in front of them ever and I can be who I am when I'm with them. I hope I can be like them one day.

And there are some people who have put up with me being in my shell for so long and they've always been there for me and tried hard to get me to come out of my shell without poking at my head, and I eventually came out to be myself in front of them. I also love really love these people. I'm thankful for them that they've never given up on me and just tried and tried so hard to get me to come out. I hope I didn't scare them when I really did because I become a totally different person when I'm out hahaha.

Last but not least, there are still those people who I'll still retract in my shell when I'm with them. Sometimes when I'm in the mood I'll poke my head out for a little while then I'll start to feel unsafe and wonder if it's the right reasons and I'll hide again. Part of the reason is because I do still care if they'll judge me but most parts it's because I have trust issues. Because of that one thing that happened I have never really been able to trust people again and I'm not sure if people actually want to be friends with me or... they're just taking pity on me. Sometimes I don't just retract into my shell but I try to push them away. Well I do regret it but I'm just glad they didn't run away. I still have trust issues and I think I'm being overly sensitive but I don't really know how to overcome it. The world is such a scary place. I need someone to show me how to trust people again.








Lost: Basically how I feel inside. I really want to tell you. There are so many things I want to tell you. But I know I can't. I don't want to ruin anything and I don't want anything to change. I know, I'm a coward. I just wish I wasn't. If only I could tell you everything I ever wanted to say, if only I didn't cared about what people think, most importantly, what you think. The thing is, I do care. I care about being judged and that's why I can't do it. I really wish I could. I don't want to face whatever consequences it will bring in future and I don't even want to think about it, that's why I've been avoiding it. I hate myself for it every moment. But I know, I can't.