Here I am again with my procrastination post. I just want to say that I actually hate the transparent background on my blog but I want it to be transparent hahaha. It is so difficult to read the text but I don't read it so it doesn't matter because no one else reads it.
Christmas was really meh. And to top it off, I already had no expectations for it at all. I had no hope that it would be even the least bit fun or entertaining but I somehow was able to be disappointed at how it turned out. It is ridiculous how biased the adults are towards the little kids. I don't mind if you are extra nice to them but could you at least do it more subtly? For the past few years they have been slowly distancing themselves from us (the grown but not grown-up kids) and during the 'gatherings' they just bring food and eat, do their usual rounds of whatever they used to do (in this case, giving presents to the 'kids') and they just leave for home. There is like minimal interactions and no matter how we try to plan activities or even performances to entertain them, they just brush all our effort off. It's like gatherings have just become an excuse to eat higher quantity and quality of food for the day. What is the point of this if you're not even trying to bond as a family? And we have taken reign of the gift giving this year and changed it to a Secret Santa thing so we can all save money for each other but they had to spoil market and still give gifts to the 'young kids'. Well hello, if I'm younger than you and I'm your kid(or the same age as your kid), I AM A YOUNG KID. I find no meaning in these gatherings anymore and my expectations of every consequent gathering just decrease and has reached negative now. I honestly would have enjoyed myself more if I was working tonight. I have fun colleagues and the managers are also quite fun. They're like 30+ I think and one of them is really nice and easy-going whereas the other one is more strict but he is a sarcastic bastard with a weird sense of humour, both which are good for me.
Year 2013 has been really bad for me. I think it's safe to say it is the worst year for me. So much bad luck surrounding me and I don't think I have had these much unfortunate events happen to me within a year. January to April I was constantly ill and I had a really bad rash in the beginning of the year, and also had a black-out for the first time in my life. To tell the truth I actually enjoyed the blackout because when I woke up I forgot everything for a few seconds and it felt like I was reborn. But then everything slowly came back to me and it started to suck. And a really sad incident happened on 18 March, which still haunts me sometimes. I have never felt so heart-broken in my life and I honestly thought my world was crashing down on me. Surprisingly I wasn't that sad over my results because I already knew I was gonna get those grades, I was only quite regretting letting my parents down. The next few months after May (when I quit my job) passed by really fuzzily and I can't remember much except that I was going through an emotions roller-coaster. There were days where I was really depressed and I hated myself for being alive and I became really anti-social and cold towards people. Then there were days where I was happy for no reason whatsoever and I seemed overly enthusiastic. But most days I was sad and mad at the same time. It was really confusing and I had so much stuff to think about and declutter in my life, which I have sorted out maybe some of it by now and sort of pushed the rest to the back of my mind. And I started to become more hardworking in... mid-September? Slightly regretted being so late at it but I told myself that I can't give up again because, as cliche as it may sound, better late than never. I sort of gave up on life in December and I don't want to care what people think about me anymore ( I actually still care deep down but I think pretending to not care saves me from being disappointed again and again and from being hurt again and again, so I won't fall into that black hole where my soul is being sucked again) and I think I feel sort of indifferent towards life. I could die or live another day and I would not mind either one.
It has really been a bad year for me, absolutely horrible, I must say. I really hope 2014 would be better or even great because I don't think I can take another moment of this. I can only hang on until the end of this year and I think I wouldn't be able to control what I would do if 2014 doesn't get better. When 2013 started badly I thought I could at least make up for it by having a really nice end to 2013 but I don't think I can anymore. I really hope with all my heart that 2014 can make up for this tragic year. I might do something stupid if it doesn't. Thinking about it just make me want to cry. I am actually quite amazed at how well I managed to take this entire year without breaking down more than once a month. I remember almost doing something stupid that one night but I didn't. I didn't because I decided to check my phone that night and you probably don't know but you helped me through it. Also because the building was kind of short and I was scared.
I really need 2014 to be the best year ever. I don't know how but I'm not going to hold much hope for that because I don't want to be disappointed.
On the other hand my mum needs to stop asking me to find a boyfriend.
1. I don't have any option, nobody wants me.
2. I kind of like the single life.
3. I barely have enough time for myself, how am I going to spare hours for another person.
4. I would probably become (more of) a bitch if I have one.
5. I would stop caring about my family a lot less, something I am not prepared to do... yet.
OH YES I HAVE DECIDED TO DYE MY HAIR.
SOON.
IN 2014.
HAVE ALREADY DECIDED AROUND WHICH DATE TO GO AND THE COLOUR AND WHERE.
ALREADY HAVE A DATE TO GO THERE WITH.
CAN'T WAIT ACTUALLY.
SO EXCITED.
PS: I had 7 visitors on my blog on Christmas Eve, someone must be really bored.
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