I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed someone to care

A message for you... That you wouldn't even bother reading.

I just read some stuff and I realized I didn't do a lot of things I was supposed to. I didn't show that I cared for you. I didn't show that I needed you. I didn't show that you were important to me, no matter how you've changed. I didn't do anything at all to let you know that I was there for you. I sort of just expected you to come o me if you ever needed me. I guess it's because I was afraid of approaching you in the first place. I didn't know where I stood in your heart. ( I still don't anyway but it would have made things better, or at least I wouldn't be regretting things now, if I did approach you first.) I was also mad. Mad at you, mad at what you did, mad at how you're not appreciating it. Because I wanted it too, but I didn't show, I didn't tell anyone. I knew you wanted it too so I didn't want to let you know. It probably wouldn't make a difference to whether you got it or not, actually. I knew that, that's why I wasn't really mad at you. I mean, I was mad but I knew I didn't have the right too so I couldn't show it. So I just distanced myself from you for a while, hoping my emotions will settle down. Then I'm not sure what happened but we sort of... drifted. I was happy for you, really I was. I was also worried about you. I wanted so much to help but I didn't know how to. I have never experienced it before and I don't understand how you're feeling. I could only listen. I held myself back that day because I was still afraid, afraid of how you see me, afraid of how you'll react, afraid of how I actually feel inside.

Looking back, I feel really sorry for what I didn't do for you. I don't think we'll ever be okay again but I still hope all the best for you. You still hold a really special place in my heart, a place which no one can replace. I'm secretly hoping that you'll fill that empty void again. My heart hopes that we'll be like before again, but my mind knows that it will never happen.

It's mostly regret that I'm feeling. Also coupled with some confusion but I'll let that rest. Mostly regret.

I should have showed you what I should have showed you.
I should have told you what I should have told you.

Honestly, a little disappointed that you didn't tell me anything at all throughout the incident. That was why I couldn't show/tell you anything. But it's also my fault because I'm untactful. I have never been the sensitive one. I have never been the considerate one. I have never been the nice/helpful one. I'm dumb like that. I'm stupid like that. I'm useless like that. I'm sorry for that. I don't know what else I'm sorry for but I'm sorry.

Well, this is a message that you'll never read.
So...

















I miss you.