Two months and nothing's changed.

I still feel the same way I did two months ago. Lost, and a little bit depressed. Not feeling okay yet telling myself it's okay not to be okay. Putting effort into relationships I know will have no good outcome, putting effort into things I know will not matter one day. It just seems so comforting to tell myself that we will all die one day; it's okay to have a shit life, it's okay to have nothing, it's okay to be alone.

Why is it not okay to be alone? Why do people make it seem like it's the worst thing in the world to have to grow old alone? It's perfectly fine to want to be alone forever because I don't really like being around people all the time.

Maybe it's because I make it seem to people that I'm okay with being there for them when they need me, and it's okay for them to forget about me when they don't need me. I guess I kind of am, but it does feel a little depressing sometimes knowing you are never a priority and always just an option. I comfort myself by saying at least I am still an option rather than nothing at all. I made it okay to be like that. I'm not good at being a friend or making friends. I never dared to ask people to accompany me because I'm afraid of rejections, and the very few times I ever do try, I do get rejected and I just don't any more. I know it's not the right thing to do but I don't think my self-esteem can go any lower than it already is. Growing up as the youngest kid, I've always been told to shut up and never give any opinion, and anything I say will be wrong even if it is right. I think raising a child with a positive childhood is important because it affects the way they behave in future. I didn't have a bad childhood, it was just that I was always told to give in to my older siblings because I am the youngest. (Counter-intuitive, I know.) I never learnt to stand up for myself or to make a mark for myself, I learnt that being small and giving in is the best thing to do. I've tried to overcome this barrier for a long time but I guess it never really did go away. Sometimes I thought it did.



Oh well, something interesting brewing. Hope it turns out well.