Is it just me?

I don't have blogging feels right now but I have the urge to do something and not sleep. And wow I actually found the need to reason why I'm doing it, this is bad hahaha.

I realise something strange about myself, that I don't really believe in yet time and time again it has proven to be right. I do things for people. I do things because of people. I have goals for people, never for myself. This isn't me trying to make myself sound selfless because I know perfectly well I am not. I mean goals in a sense that, I set out goals not because I want the feeling of self-fulfilment, but for the satisfaction of having fulfilled others. I don't think I would have gone to JC if not for my parents, because they expect me to. I didn't want to upset them by applying out into poly. I don't think I would work so hard to get into uni if not for my grandmother, whom worried day and night about me for the entire year I was retaking As. I don't think I would be working so hard to score in school, if not for my parents and siblings, because I wanted them to have someone to be proud of. My brother always seem to be ashamed of me, of me being nothing compared to my sister. My parents were disappointed that I was never as hardworking as my sister, and they were upset that my brother was not doing exceptionally well in uni and I just felt that I should fulfil that part of their lives for them. Because I owe it to them.

I thought about this whole goals for others thing because I realised I recently gave up on a something, because I gave up on someone. Well that was a mistake. I huge mistake. It was a mistake to have used someone as my source of motivation even though it was the best motivation ever during that period of time, but it also caused the worst downfall when I gave it up.



Recently, I've been feeling really sick of new friendships (aka those forged in the past year) and I really missed people whom I've known for more than a few years. I mean old friends. It's like even though I've known these people for a year, they don't know much about me and I don't know that much about them. Yes I may know their little habits, their temper, the food they like or dislike, but it's like I don't know know them. Not to the point where I can predict what they're thinking or what they are feeling without looking at them. I just feel like I should treasure what ever friends I already have now. (But the location of NTU is making it damn hard, in addition to the workload I have in school.) 


Abrupt ending. Time for work! (: