Hello friends! I'm going to write about the last few days because it's the end of the year and I have no plans. This is a painful process because when I write, I cannot listen to music. Hopefully this will not be a nonsensical post and it would aid me in re-organizing my thoughts.
Note: Not worth reading if you don't care about how I live or my emotional states.
So I mentioned I was having a bit of a down period during the Christmas period. I felt like it was purely self-inflicted and I could have avoided it. There was no cause nor triggering points, but of course it's all about the little things that added up. I know what they are and I'm going to talk about it. Here. Pretty sure none of them read this so I'm good.
Firstly, it's the dedication I've decided to give into my hall. I know I've said this before; the people have shown me how nice they are and I really appreciate all that they've helped me in, hence I've decided I want to give back to them as well. I don't regret signing up for it but lately I've been thinking if it was the right way to do it. Running for the position in the hall committee means I have to give in most of the time and money I have into it, to organize and make sure events run well and that their welfare is above my own. It sounds like a stupid thing to do but rest assured it makes me happy. Just a little too tired sometimes to always be the one giving and not receiving. This hasn't been a problem during school semester even though I hardly get enough sleep during that period, but it has become something I think about way too often during the semester break. It's the IHG period and all the sports and recreational games have their competition on going each day, and as the photographer I naturally have to be there at each game to take photos. It's tough because most of the games clash and I hardly have enough people under me to help me out. What makes things worse is that I know some of the other committee members are slacking their way during this period and when I ask for help they pretend that they are busy are just ignore my cry for help. Not all of them do though, some are really helpful. In addition, it's mandatory for hall committee to join at least three activities due to the small population size we are now. I joined about 5 even though the only two that I'm vaguely good enough for are just the two sports. All this aside, the reason I'm feeling down from this is because more and more of them are starting to slack off and I can see it. They pretend to be hardworking assholes from the beginning and outshine the rest in contributions but now they just slowly fade away and though not everyone knows, I can still see it. Also because one of them is under me but argh whatever. Sometimes I feel like I have one of the worst jobs because not only do I have to take photos of every event, I also have to do post-editing when all of them can rest already. Really sucks that no one understands too and they keep piling work on me. You want to take a simple photo please do it your fucking self, I am not your slave. You want a favour from me because you need a good quality photo please tell me what you actually need and not tell me "oh this doesn't work can do it again for me" you asshole. Sometimes, I need to learn to say no in a serious tone. Sometimes, people need to learn to ask for favours nicely. I don't care if you coat everything in sugar, at least try to make me feel better about helping you.
Second thing. Sometimes I don't know who I am. What kind of a person do I come off as to others? Am I their friend or an acquaintance they pretend to befriend? I don't dare to talk to others for awhile during this time because I'm afraid they might actually hate me. And then I try to be overly nice to them even though they are pissing me off because I don't want to be that asshole who comes off as petty and too serious. It made me think what really counts as being friends. Some people think that friends are those who will always be nice to you and never throws any vulgarities your way, some people take friends as those you can be yourself with and say whatever the fuck you want because they don't take things too seriously and know you care. I personally like the second one more but sometimes it's also good to have friends who are the first kind. I know I cannot control myself sometimes so it's better if my friends are of the second type? So that when they scold me I can laugh it off but I guess no one is really a type. Maybe it differs from the different people you hang out with. But I would also like to remind myself that even though most of the time this group of friends you hang out with are the 'second type' of people, if for some reason your mood was different, you might take offence. And it really isn't anyone's fault and people just have to talk it out and understand. Understanding others is really important because sometimes knowing is not enough. You may think you know everything, and maybe you do, but to really understand and comprehend is the key to making relationships work. This is not targeting anyone but I want to remind myself when I read this in future, maybe. My point was, I feel really lonely sometimes, like I have no one. And I am scared. I am honestly really scared. Maybe I can persuade myself that it doesn't matter now, but somehow I know it will bug me. I fear I might be the kind of person who grow up not meeting anyone who wants to know me and live with me for eternity, and sometimes I picture myself in that situation and I feel very sad. Because it actually sounds plausible. Here's wishing I would not die a virgin.
A lot of reasons why I felt rather down on Christmas night and one of them being I let a whole group of people down. I decided family before friends and ditched them. They are technically not really close friends, maybe a 60/100 for some of them but that's all. Don't think they actually treat me as friends either.
During that period, I was looking forward to today. When I would be able to meet the people who makes me feel comfortable all the time and I hope to grow old with in due time. Maybe something happened and suddenly we had a misunderstanding. I'm not exactly sure what happened and we should talk it out but I hope it disappears sooner or later. I was in a pretty bad mood already but I tried to feign ignorance to it, and maybe this brought me down further. Also because it meant so much to me. I even put them before my family and if you know me, family means a lot to me. Today, my family cancelled their plans because of people like me who didn't give them a definite answer on whether I'm turning up for the event and I feel a little bad. But it's weird because I don't regret it. I still think that putting this group of friends first was a better idea. And I feel a little fucked up inside and maybe it's wrong but it's too late to regret now. Not sure if I was uninvited to the party but I was gonna go before that, maybe I'll bake something at home to cheer myself up and if it's not too late, crash that party hehe. They're probably having fun now so they won't be reading my blog. (I am talking about you Siang.) I still really love all of you though.
A very wordy post but they contain my heartfelt words. Not all of them but some little parts of me that I thought was time to let out. I'm not very good with words and nor am I good in expressing my love for people, so here's something I hope would allow people to not judge me as much and maybe understand me a little better.
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