Abstruse matter.

This is probably a very peculiar thing to say but I really want to blog about it. It's something that I have felt for a really long time but always doubt myself on because... It isn't normal.

Please only read this if you're not going to judge me for who I am. It is neither interesting nor enriching in any way other than to know me better, for which you cannot judge me. ):

I like getting hurt. I enjoy feeling hurt. When someone say or do something to intentionally wound me emotionally, it may sting but it is the only time I feel alive. The only time I feel like a human. Maybe it's the only feeling that I've ever felt so deeply with. Perhaps it's because I've never really understood how other emotions work. Or it may just be that I'm weird.

Getting hurt makes my heart pound so much faster and irregularly, but it's also the adrenaline rush that it gives me that makes me feel alive. I've never had adrenaline rush from feeling loved before. For obvious reasons.

Maybe I like it because it's the only time I feel like I'm worthy enough for someone to waste their time and effort trying to inflict harm on me.

At least if I get hurt by people, I know that they hate me and not backstabbing me.

I also sometimes like physical pain. Not the kind that will make me bleed. But like a punch/kick from someone, or perhaps from exercising and the muscles hurt real bad. I hate it but at the same time I enjoy it. I'm not sure why but it might be due to the fact that it makes me feel alive too. That I am human and I can feel pain. I can feel.

Yeap okay that's it for now hahaha.
Remember not to judge me.