Home is a really insecure place. I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way in my household. I think all of them feels the same way. We don't feel warm and cozy at home anymore. It has been quite a while. It has been quite some time. We have all been in denial. I for one has been putting up with it for longer than anyone because I haven't felt like home was home for the past decade. I've tried countless times and methods to change it but they never seem to last very long. I've tried changing myself, I've tried changing my attitude, I've tried changing my environment, I've tried changing my goals. Nothing seems to work. I'm still in denial, I know. I want to pretend not to know anything about what's happening right now.
This is probably the main reason why I dread growing up. I have to face the problem at home right now and I'm honestly not prepared for it. Not even after feeling unsafe and insecure in this place for so long. I'm not prepared for anything that is going to happen. I am really scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk to anyone about it. I don't think I'm supposed to impose on anyone about it. I'm typing furiously fast on the keyboard now because I'm feeling very insecure, and scared. Maybe we need counseling. This is such an awful word to say. It sounds so displeasing and frowned upon. Almost like in destitution. If I'm still a little kid, I don't have to understand all of this and I wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't feel broken and helpless. I wouldn't know any better. But now I do.
I don't know how to help them. I don't know how to help myself. I am afraid. I need help.
After one problem is solved, another bigger one comes by. And this time it's bigger and harder to overcome. If two people cannot understand each other, there is no forcing anymore. If two person understands each other too well, there will be complications. How do you make it work? How do you help them work it out?
On a happier note, I realized cuteboycook looks like Wang Lee Hom. That says a lot about how cute he is. He is gorgeously cute. With the perfect smile and dimples, glistering eyes and shy personality that is super attractive. I am going to stop here. But I guess being busy working and seeing cute guys helps me survive and stay alive.
I need a get-away. The UK trip was my plan to escape from reality for a little while and pretend all is well, as well as a symbolism for my growing up - sucking it all up and facing reality when I return 20 days later - and hopefully be more of me than a reflection of who they want me to be.
Supplicate to survive.
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