Self-hatred and lack of self-realization.

So much self-hatred.

Days like these when you find yourself becoming angry; The anger inside you burning and growing like a fire fed with petroleum.

I knew I've grown, I knew I've matured; the curses I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs stayed deep in my heart, buried by the small layer of cement otherwise known as self-realization, or the lack thereof.

I couldn't understand the anger I had in me, couldn't make out why I was angry, at whom was I angry, and how I became angry. The realization that it is not just another of the PMS says where my mood gets out of control, not one of the days where I was being spoilt and throwing tantrums, not one of the times when I got angry because I a valid reason either.

As I closed my room door behind me, I could feel that my tears were forming, accumulating in my tear ducts and my heart was aching, like how you feel when you lose something important to you, and knowing well that you wouldn't ever find it back. I locked the door behind me, and trembled. Not the tremble of fear, not the tremble from cold, not the tremble from anger. It's the tremble from trying to contain the tears and flow of emotions which are clawing to get out.

I dived into my bed and covered my face with a pillow, stifling the noise of my cries and sobs. I bit into the pillow to mute my wails and moans. I felt myself shiver from crying, this time from fear of what is going to happen next, while my ears perked to listen for any movement from my parents, like those of animals when they hear a disturbance.

Deep breaths only made the shiver more tremendous, made the sobs more deafening, and fed the fear in me. I couldn't understand why I was experiencing any of these, so I surfed through tumblr in search of - not an answer but - comfort.

I reached a post which said, and I quote "Just because you fail once doesn't mean you are going to fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on and always, always, always BELIEVE IN YOURSELF because if you don't, then who will? So keep your head high, keep your CHIN UP, and most importantly KEEP SMILING because life's a beautiful thing and there is so much to smile about. -Marilyn Monroe". True on so many levels, but the first sentence hit me hard, and in a bad way. I cried harder because I realised I was angry at myself, for being a failure at not just once thing, but almost anything I do.

Socially awkward and has no skill at making friends.
Unable to cope academically or understand people properly.
Failure to be tactful and sensitive to the words and feelings of others.
Knows nuts about current affairs or anything happening around the world.
Inability to handle gadgets well such that anything I touch, becomes defective almost instantaneously.
Incapable of making people like me.
Null set of skills in anything. Anything.

The list is inexhaustible but I am exhausted from all that crying, so I shall stop here.

So little time.